Short and Sweet

Twilight is coming up. I, for one, am very excited. I love being open all day long and having a beer garden to work at on top of it all. A change of scenery is always a nice thing. I like home football game days and Twilight is the closest thing we've got to a home game day right now, so I'll take it. Every year I've worked it, I've always had a great time watching the bike races, hanging out with friends and being downtown.

In other news, this is 2008, not 1985. A 15% tip isn't acceptable anymore. Recession or not, if you tip less than 20% on excellent service, then you're a cheap bastard. End of story.

When You Know

When you do the following, you might have a problem.

-Wear Affliction t-shirts
-Spend too much time working out your biceps
-Spike your hair with an inordinate amount of hair gel
-Wear diamond earrings
-Call random guys in the bar a fag (Who happen to be former employees)
-Call the floor staff tough guys as you're being kicked out


Alone, each of these things might not be too bad. Combined, they are. If you do, then you're probably a giant douche bag.

This Is What It Does

It makes me angry, cynical and nervous. I'm perpetually pissed off with no outlet for the steam thats slowly been building up inside me. Standing at the door and receiving taunts from those that aren't up to standards night after night after night takes its toll on you after awhile.

I've done it for so fucking long that it's even begun to change my perspective on the world, on people, on everything. Everyone's an idiot. No one makes any sense. Why is this person screaming at me, questioning me, threatening me and proclaiming their intention to hurt me?

You may think that I'm being dramatic or exaggerating. I'm not. When was the last time that a complete stranger told you to fuck off? Even better, when was the last time that a total stranger threatened your life or threw a fist at you? When was the last fight you were in? Unless you can consistently say that those things have happened to you in the last month, then you'll never understand.

Us doormen are assholes. Meatheads. Drunk with our authority, we're obviously all on a power trip. But those of you who know, know. We know it's not all fun and games, drinking and banging sorority girls. It's a tough job for which not everyone is suited to do. My hat is off to those around town who do it nightly. My hat's off to all doormen, in fact.

Working the door from time to time around here won't take such a toll on the average doorman downtown, but stay there long enough and you'll begin looking for the opportunity to swing away on the next poor sucker who mouths off to you when you ask for their ID.

And because of all of that, I'm taking somewhat of a leave of absence from the door for the time being. I'll still be in the bar business, and the blog shall continue much to the dismay of anyone who gives a fuck, but hopefully this change will bring somewhat of a fresh perspective, to both myself and to this website.

Update

I know, I know...my posts this month have been sorely lacking (but again, do I really ever have anything of substance to share with anyone?). A combination of factors is to blame for this, mainly a lack of motivation, energy and time. I've been really busy lately, and haven't had much of anything to write about on top of that.

This month I've had to force myself to sit down and cough something up really quickly simply because I felt obligated to. It shouldn't be like that. But there's hope, though. I've tried to make a few changes at my job in order to spice things up a bit, and we'll see how it goes this weekend. If nothing else, maybe it will produce a few new stories and some different perspectives on the drunk college kids that come out every weekend.

But then again, maybe not.

A Great Friday, Actually.

Every Good Friday they come out. It's the huge group of people from a local church who decided that making one of their church members drag a cross on his back through the streets of downtown while dressed as Romans, the devil and onlookers cheering Jesus' execution as blood pours down his face wearing a crown of thorns, would be the best way to spend their night.

I watch it every year (and more often than that, occasionally) and I have to wonder what the hell they're thinking? They all hold signs up that list various sins such as abortion, jealously, and drunkeness. The devil is holding a sign that says "See You In Hell" and makes a point of showing it to the kids in the outdoor patios drinking who look on in confusion and disbelief. They'll stop every few feet, lean the cross up against a light pole, attach Jesus to it like they're crucifying him, and then say a few words - street preaching, actually - only to continue on to the next street corner and do the same thing over again.

It's one of the strangest things I see downtown. It seems to me, at least, to be one big show of judging all the drunk college kids and telling them they're going to hell. It's a shitshow, really, and some people out get really offended, some of us just laugh, and the rest of the kids are just too drunk to realize what the hell is really going on.

But this year, I had to really crack up when I saw the judgement parade coming down the street with the signs and the yelling and the guy dressed up with a devil mask on, all of them pointing at the drunk kids, condemning them to an eternal damnation.

One of the people in the group had a colorful sign that said "Happy Easter".

To me, at least, it seemed a tad out of place.

Drink to the Face

I saw a guy get not one, but two drinks thrown in his face last night.

I happened to have been keeping an eye on this particular guy throughout the night for excessive douchebaggery-like behavior, so when I saw a girl making a beeline for him and toss the remainder of her drink in his face, I didn't immediately intervene. He didn't argue or act surprised, either. He just stood there and took it.

She yelled at him for a moment as he stood there soaking wet, pointing in his face and calling him names, and then picked up a beer bottle and splashed the remainder of that in his face, too. I had to laugh to myself a bit before I walked over and calmed the situation.

He probably deserved it.

Still Here

I'm still around, I just haven't had anything worth posting (But then again, do I ever?). Spring Break here was really slow and sadly, I couldn't take part in the St. Patty's day madness. Oh, and I've been on an extended drinking binge for the past two weeks. Jesus.

But at this point I'm getting my shit together and hopefully I'll get more stories of drunk frat boys, fights, ridiculous conversations I have and stupid things I see downtown up here sometime this weekend. I'm sure you're all riveted.

Thought of the Day

If you can't gain entry to a bar/club based upon any number of things (appearance/level of intoxication/attitude, etc.) what makes you think that I'll call the manager out in order for you to voice your displeasure over my decision? He'll only repeat what I've already said and I'm not pulling him out from behind the bar to speak with the likes of you.

He's helping me make money right now. You're not. Goodbye.

Quick Reads

It seems like most of you out there understand that our jobs aren't all roses and ponies, except some of you worry about us? Do you worry that we're the crazy ones or do you worry about our safety because some of our customers are crazy? I'm not sure. The smallest percent in that little survery are probably the ones who got thrown out of a bar last weekend for being an idiot.

On another note, please be safe down in Florida or whever you go for spring break. It'll be quiet around here thank God, but at least have someone keep their wits about them while you're drinking even more than usual. This article is true. Date rape drugs are out there, but alcohol is the worst one. Be smart and be safe. I want you all to come back here alive so I can continue to make money off of you. Just kidding. Sort of. But seriously, please be safe and think before you act.

Finally, I'm getting a little fed up with these bartender reviews that the Red & Black keeps doing, and this is why: What kind of credentials does the person writing this have that goes around to random bars rating bartenders based upon one sitting where they have one or two drinks? What extensive experience do they have that allows them to accurately rate any random bartender at any random bar they happen to choose for the week? They must have a plethora of knowledge and experience about the bar business to not only rate any bartender, list the name of the bar and bartender, and then print it in a fairly widely circulated local newspaper. I find it a little presumptuous on the part of the Red & Black to allow this without any kind of explaintaion as to the experience of the writer and a little more detail as to what the writer is looking for when "reviewing" a bartender.

In the end, it doesn't fucking matter. If a bar gets a bad review, I seriously doubt it will do a damn thing to their business anyway. Likely it's a 21 year old (or someone who's underaged, since a name is never printed with these "reviews") who doesn't know a good drink from their fucking asshole.

Manlets

It's the little guy that'll give you the most trouble, at least in terms of yelling and screaming. The big guy might be a little more trouble physically, but it seems to me, over the years, that the little guy has a lot more to prove and you'll probably be pulling him out of the bar in a headlock if the conversation goes downhill, which it always does if the little guy wants everyone to think he's tough, and not little.

And so it happened like that last weekend. The fight happened, I ran inside and found two of our larger floor staff members carrying out a manlet who reminded me of a baby sleeping. He had been choked out on account of his temper tantrum, and placed tenderly in the gutter. He woke up immediately before that and hopped to his feet.

"I'm a marine, motherfucker!" he spat. He turned around to face us, ready to fight some more. One of the floor guys turned to him, ready to accommodate his request.

And I just had to laugh to myself at the scene that was playing out in front of me. The marine was 5"4 squaring off with a 6"5, 250 pound man. His bravado left him faster than a popped balloon when he saw what he was facing.

Of course, the yelling continued but the fighting did not.

Red & Black

Check it out. It's actually an article that doesn't point fingers at us, the police, or anyone for that matter besides the drunk kids. I'm amazed.

I don't think any of us doormen are looking for sympathy, though. We chose to do this job. I think the only thing we'd like is to do what we're supposed to do, get paid, and go home with out some douchebag 19 year old yelling at us for rejecting his girlfriend who just puked all over herself. If some of the college kids could take a little time to get over themselves for a few seconds and endure the hardships of showing us their ID, then we'd all have it a little better.

That's all. It's pretty simple.

Thanks for a good article, Phillip.

An Example of What Not to Do

They spent the last hour of the night pressed against the bar, making out. I heard he licked the side of her face at one point. At another point, she was moaning and thrusting herself into him. Everyone around was laughing at them, some taking pictures and posing for the camera while they went on, completely oblivious.

They were stopped when they made a beeline for the girls bathroom, unable to control their urges. At one point, she fell down a set of stairs she was so drunk.

While trying to re-enter the bar after they had left, which was well after 2am, she faceplanted right at my feet and rolled over onto her back, spreadeagled. She was wearing a skirt, and I wasn't amused because she was a tad bit on the thick side. Oh fuck, who am I kidding? She was fat.

Don't be this couple. Please. You just may scar your local bartender or door guy for a lifetime.

Something Strange

I've noticed this recently, yet wanted to believe that it wasn't true. I've wondered if it's just been exclusive to my bar, or if other bars around downtown have noticed it, too.

For the past few months, I've seen them coming around. Maybe it's not really even them, but just their style. Who knows. Either way, the kids wearing the shirts with the tribal designs, the Affliction t-shirts, always a few sizes too small, the spikey hair and diamond earrings, some with fake, spray-on tans, and always the bad attitudes, have been patronizing my bar for the past few months.

Most of them look like they've spent an inordinate amount of time in the gym focusing on their arms - especially a pair that we threw out last weekend who reminded me of a couple of angry gorillas - and I've got to be honest: What the fuck is going on around here? Is this not the south?

I thought it might be a fad or some strange anomaly, but sure enough...they've continued to show up at the bar weekend after weekend for some time now.

I'm beginning to fear that some mutated southern version of the guido phenomenon I've heard so much about is beginning to take hold right here in Athens, Georgia.

When You Can't Find a Bathroom

At about 12am I watched the drunk kid stagger out of the bar nearby ours, obviously incredibly intoxicated. His friends walked several steps ahead of him, urging him to keep up with them.

Suddenly, he stopped and it looked like he told them to wait for him for just a second, as he held up his pointer finger for them. Next, he turned to the luxury SUV parked directly in front of him and walked up to it. The SUV was in between my line of sight to him, but it was obvious that he had begun to urinate on it, right there in the middle of a major street going through downtown Athens.

And so he took a piss, while waving at passing cars and pedestrians who could see the whole thing. This was entertaining to all of us for a few minutes (he went for a long time), but it only got really funny when the bike cop going by saw him and did a quick U-turn and subsequently yanked him backwards by his jacket and proceeded to write him a ticket for urinating in public.

It might not sound that funny now, but I couldn't stop fucking laughing.