Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Things You Learned Last Weekend, But Should Have Already Known...

1) Don't get out of the cab downtown with your drink. The cops are there. I've seen it a dozen times. Cab drivers don't care that you're finishing off your little girlie concoction in the red solo cup while they drive your drunk asses downtown and charge you astronomically high fares. The cops do, however. That $15 taxi ride just turned into an $85 ride with the brand new open container citation that the cop just wrote you.

2) Don't scream in the doormans face. Please, please, please. If I've said this once, I've said this a hundred fucking times. I'm sure power hour was fun and you're thrilled to see your friends, but my hearing is just as sensitive as it was earlier this afternoon. Oh, whoops. Not anymore.

3) Don't grope random girls in a bar and then act like you're the victim when asked to leave by the staff. Making a scene on the way out like pounding on the walls or calling me "bro" doesn't help you save face. It only makes you look even more pathetic than you are. I win.

4) Don't steal the tip jar. What are you thinking when you try to grab the money out of this? You're just like a tiny baby...you see something you want and you simply can't resist the urge to try to take it for yourself. Unfortunately, we're there to stop you...and bring you to a closed off location out back where no one can hear you scream.

5) Don't....stiff the bartender, throw up in the bathroom or on the bartop, break anything in the bar, write on the walls, try to steal booze or anything that isn't nailed down, have sex anywhere in the bar, try to pass back ID's, try to get into fights with anyone, or generally try to do anything that isn't socially acceptable in any other public place. Seriously. Are you guys fucking 12?

6) Don't fight the Bouncer. We're not the police. We don't (usually) have guns or weapons. This is good for you. But we also never took an oath to uphold the law and the constitution. So conversely, we have no trouble knocking your front teeth out, choking you unconscious, and throwing you face down on the sidewalk with your pants down right in front of that hot girl you were trying to impress only moments before. This is embarrassing for you. Also, things aren't over for you quite yet. Officer Friendly is standing right outside to take it from there, and usually his attention is on your drunk ass, and not my violent tendencies. Thus your encounter with them begins...

7) Don't fight the police. This seems like a no-brainer, but I'm continually surprised at how many kids get a few drinks in them and then consider this an option. A handful of kids went to jail last night simply because they couldn't think logically enough to not fight on the sidewalk with each other and then the cops when they wandered over to investigate. There's a lot of them and they have radios to call more of their friends over and multiple tools they can use to inflict pain on you. And then when they're done kicking your ass, they get to throw you in a room and lock you up there until they feel like letting you out. Have fun explaining this to your parents the next day when you need to get bailed out.

8) Don't drive home drunk. Fine. You've made it home safely the other 50 times. Why not give it another shot? Taxis are overrated anyway, with all the rapin' and all going on these days. Well all it takes is once to get pulled over and now you're looking at roughly $10,000 in bonds, attorneys fees, court costs, fines, DUI school tuition payments, monthly probation fees, taxi money (since you'll have no license) multiple court appearances, and a permanent black mark on your record for life. Congratulations. This little money-making scheme has been raking in the county extra cash for years now, so if you want to fund your local road project or help to supplement a few government salaries to insure the downtown bike police are fully staffed every weekend, then take a few extra shots before you leave the bar and then go for a joyride down East Campus Road. Make sure to ignore the speed limit and those annoying white and yellow lines on the road trying to tell you how to drive.

9) Don't ring the victory bell. Also known as the Chapel Bell. Besides of the obvious implications this presents - i.e. UGA isn't exactly winning much of anything right now - it's beyond annoying and it goes on fucking forever. And at 2:30am, I can't think of a better way to scream PLEASE ARREST ME than this. And trust me, I can hear that shit all the fucking way across downtown. Not to mention usually the only people cutting through campus are the kids heading to the dorms, which equals underaged drinkers which equals a night in jail. You might as well send up a fucking signal flare to all bored police officers in the area.

10) Don't stay downtown past 2am or so. Fine, maybe grab a bite to eat before you head home, but there's nothing worse than getting off of work at 4 or 5am and then heading to (I hate to admit) The Grill and finding a table full of fucked up kids yelling and screaming there as well. My parents taught me nothing good happens when you stay out past midnight, so one can only imagine what ridiculousness happens past 2am in downtown Athens. Personally, I can tell you absolutely nothing good happens.

So please shut the fuck up so I can eat my grill muffin in peace.


At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"so one can only imagine what ridiculousness happens past 2am in downtown Athens. Personally, I can tell you absolutely nothing good happens."

This is where I usually invite girls to an afterparty at my place or go back and play homerun derby with empty beer cans in the parking lot.

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Atticus said...


HAHA! There really is no place like Athens, GA. Good or bad.

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