Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to Get Hired Downtown

First of all, forget it. Everybody comes into town as freshman wanting to be a bartender or bouncer, make cool drinks, hit on the opposite sex, make a ton of money, and have fun doing it. They've seen Coyote Ugly or Roadhouse one too many times, and the fact of the matter is, the job really isn't that much fun when you're actually doing it. I'd say only less than 10% of people who apply to work downtown actually get hired. This is seriously a generous estimate. It's probably closer to less than 5%. On top of that, less than half of those actually hired can cut the late hours and work thats required. The shelf life for somebody who actually makes the cut is only about a year anyway, so thats some serious turnover there. Everybody wants to work in a bar, but once they get the job, they realize its not as glamorous as it seems. In fact, it's not glamorous at all. I promise.

You've got a lot of competition to get the job. On the other hand, there's a relative high turnover since mostly students work the bars and eventually, they graduate. So if you keep trying, eventually you might succeed.

The only way to make any real money bartending in Athens is to be a high volume bartender in one of the more crowded, popular bars with customers who actually tip. Good luck getting one of those premium spots. Or, you could work at a slower paced bar, build up a following of regulars who tip the shit out of you. But that's tougher, at least for me in my bartending days.

So, for those of you who are looking for jobs in a downtown Athens bar, there are a few things that I'd like to say about it. My first reaction is to grab you by your throat and scream in your face to not take the job. However, that would be hypocrital of me. I took the job. So I guess you can, too. And thus, here is your guide to getting hired at a bar in downtown Athens, Georgia. These are basic outlines, and nothing will guarantee you a job anywhere. But this'll help ya.

It's not what you know, it's who you know

You could have worked at the most elite big city club and still not get hired in Athens if you don't know anyone. People get jobs downtown because they're cool with the guys in charge. Know somebody. That's the only way.

Experience doesn't mean shit here

In my brief stint in management several years ago, I used to hate when somebody would come in and brag about how many years they've bartended or bounced for, as if I give two shits. I just don't care, and honestly, they've probably developed habits that would contradict the way things are done at THIS bar. It's harder to unlearn things than to learn them, and most places don't mind training you. You're bartending for college kids - they barely know how to order a Cape Cod, much less something more complicated like an Old Fashioned. If you have experience, let someone know, but don't bank on the fact that you bounced in Atlanta for 2 years and think that's all you'll need to waltz right in the door and automatically take over.

Don't lie

I've seen people who otherwise would have been great hires, who lied about their previous employement at other downtown bars, get passed over. Downtown Athens is small, and all the bar employees know one another, and we all talk. So if you fucked over your previous employer and don't want your next potential downtown employer to know about it, then you might be out of luck.

Be friendly, social & interesting

An outgoing personality is essential for working in bar. Or, you could be me and be the exact opposite and somehow still manage to maintain your employement. Who knows why it's worked in my case.

Know people

A lot of bar owners and managers look for students who have a lot of friends or are heavily involved in school activities in order to bring all their friends in the bar and make them more money. They look for people to who will "bring people into the bar". This, in my opinion, is total and complete bullshit because people get hired for this specific reason to the detriment of other important having common sense or being able to fight. It sucks being strangled because the new hire who "brought a lot of people in" isn't holding back the guy he was supposed to be restraining.

Be persistent

Not to the point of annoying the hell out of the manager, but after you apply, make a few appearances in the bar during business hours just to say hello. I would advise against sticking around for too long and getting shitfaced in front of someone you're trying to impress. This cements your face in their mind, and most importantly, shows that you actually come out and have some basic knowledge of downtown. I don't understand those who apply who never ever have been downtown, and even more mysterious to me, those who don't even drink. What the fuck?

And lastly,

Don't be a douchebag

Nobody wants a cocky, arrogant guy who things he's a fucking rockstar working in their bar who's out to fight everybody and thinks he's the shit. You're applying for a job in downtown Athens, Georgia...not New York City. You're not that great.

And thus, the guide for destroying your life by working long hours for low pay and dealing with drunk jackoffs on a minute-by-minute basis. Go forth with your newfound knowledge and get hired before the fall, when all the freshman fuck offs come out to try and get a job "downtown"!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A Good Time

Every once in awhile, disregarding popular opinion, us bar employees do get drunk while we're downtown. We tip well, don't start trouble, and overall have a great time. Cheers!


Holy Hell!


Friday, June 22, 2007


It may be suprising to hear that my job is actually very boring 95% of the time. Unless you know otherwise, you may think that my nights are filled with nothing but drunken bar sluts, getting hammered, fighting, and talking shit with customers from the moment the doors open until we kick them all out at the end of the night. Sadly, this is not true. If it was, however, I would have burned out years ago.

I go to work, set up the things that need setting up, and then I stand there. I stand there for a long time, willing the clock to move forward faster. I stand there and wait and talk to my coworkers. We talk about a lot of things. We talk about getting tasers and tasing our problem customers and we laugh and joke about how fun that would be. We try to kill the extra time because the place I happen to work at doesn't get busy right off the bat.

We'll make fun of people on the sidewalk who are walking by. This is ok with me because if you choose to come downtown to "party" and make a fool of yourself, then as far as I'm concerned, you're fair game. You're a great target if you're blatantly underaged, or if your clothes look like they were made for a 500 pound man even though you weigh a buck twenty, or you're an overly drunk frat boy who can't walk in a straight line. We'll make fun of the idiots who get DUIs on the road in front of us on a nightly basis. We make fun of the drunk couple shoving their tongues down each others throat. We probably made fun of you if you drew attention to yourself the last time you were downtown at night. This helps pass the time.

We'll talk about our "regulars" and wonder how they could come out every single night of the week; how they can afford to do that, both money-wise and health-wise. The newer guys like to talk about fighting all the time, because thats what's interesting to new guys. The guys who have been around for awhile like to talk about sports, music, lifting weights, who their new lay is...anything other than the bar business. Which is ironic, because I'm one of the guys who's been around for awhile, yet I have a blog in which I write about bar shit. Pointless, useless bar shit.

What I'm really saying, essentially, is that I probably do about one hour of real, honest work per night. And out of that one hour, I probably spend a grand total of about 5 minutes fighting or talking shit to people we're kicking out. The rest of my time is taken up standing around, being bored, checking IDs, looking at hot college girls, and wanting to go home to my bed and hoping to take one of them with me.

I have a boring, boring job.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Can anyone get some type of weapon and eradicate the downtown trash that resides in Athens, and, it seems, gravitates towards me on a nightly basis? I'll cut you in on my measely tip share.

Thank you.

Monday, June 18, 2007


For the handful of people who have read this, I've also registered an email address for you to send your comments, questions, threats, complaints, and any other malicious comments to.


Drop me a line and let me know what you think, good or bad!


I have a lot of friends who work in restaurants. They tell me all about their customers, most often the rude ones, the terrible tippers, complainers, and people who generally make their time while at work much more difficult than it needs to be.

I love talking to them about this. I love it when they tell me about the customer they had who was a hassle, who made them do extra work for them, demanded free food because something wasn't to their satisfaction, complained to management, and at the end of the day left a 5% tip. Or nothing at all. And all of those friends have to keep their mouths shut, grit their teeth, fake a smile, and take it. Otherwise they'll get fired.

I love this because I work in the service industry too. We have customers who are receiving a service from us, and we work off their tips (well, at least the bartenders do).

And I don't have to be a nice to a single fucking one of them.

If people aren't satisfied with the service that we're providing, I tell them to fuck off - sometimes in not so many words - and sometimes using those exact words.

Ok, ok...that's not always necessarily true. I do make an effort to be cordial and friendly to those who deserve it. Truthfully, I do go out of my way, often times to a fault, to help customers when I believe they have a genuine concern or need, and - this is an absolute requirement - they ask in a respectful and courtious manner.

But the fact is, we sell a product, not unlike a restaurant. Only, our customers are there for the sole purpose of over-indulging in substances that substantially alter their actions, moods, attitudes and decision making processes. That's the main difference. We only sell one of those substances - alcohol - but frequently they're under the influence of more than just that, which is the foundation of why I can act the way I do to customers who deserve it.

There are certain things that people can ask for in which the answer is always "no" - at least at first. If they persist, respectfully, most times I'll accomodate them as quickly as is reasonable. This is primarily to test their attitude. Ok, say it's after 2am and the door is closed.

The right way to ask:

Them: "Excuse me, I left my tab open inside. Is there any possible way I might be able to go get it?"

Me: "Sure, just hold on for a few minutes and I'll help you out as soon as I can."

The wrong way to ask:

Drunk Marine: "I left my tab open and I'm going in there to close it right now. You can't stop me. I'm a marine and you're just a fucking civilian."

Me: "Alrighty, soldier. Go ahead and try."

A majority of our complaints from "potential" customers stem from not being able to get inside in the first place, for any number of reasons. Sometimes they'll demand to speak with the manager, at which point I'll either tell them that their complaint isn't important enough to talk with the manager about or I'll claim to be the manager myself and tell them that their complaint isn't important enough to talk with me about. They don't like that. I do. I smile and laugh and it keeps me entertained enough to continue with my night.

See, there are a lot of people who demand satisfaction while in a bar downtown and believe that by "climbing their way up the ladder" to complain will ultimately result in them getting what they want. They believe that "the customer is always right". This usually works in most businesses. However, a bar doesn't fall into the "most businesses" catagory. In the bar business, "the customer is usually drunk and is therefore usually wrong".

That's just the way it goes. You've been drinking all night long, and you're not sure about much of anything. You don't understand our door policies, if your complaint is not being permitted entrance, and you don't know what the hell you've been ordering all night long, if your complaint is the money you owe the bar when you close your tab. We're right and you're wrong. You come downtown, drink yourself retarded twice a week, and think you know more than me about how things are supposed to work in a bar. And not just any bar - my bar. I've got some news for you, frat boy: I've done this a lot longer than you think, and my money is on myself. Plus the fact that I make the final decisions in regards to your personal bar issue - which by the way really isn't all that damn important in the overall sceme of things - so that means that I'm going to win.

Often times we just don't give a fuck, and you, as a customer, are a dime a dozen. That's just the truth. It doesn't matter to me if you were going to "drop $200 in there tonight" or that "you and your 12 friends inside are going to leave if you don't get in" and you'll "spend your hard earned money elsewhere". I don't care. And you should really know that. Please...take that to heart.

I understand, however, that legitimate complaints exist. You want to have a fun night in the places that you've planned on going to. I can understand that. And here's what you can do to help yourself if you honestly feel that you've been greviously wronged by myself or another member of the staff in some way.

You're more likely to find a sympathetic ear if you're respectful, calm, and don't lace your complaints with profanity about how you're going to fuck my mother and my girlfriend if you don't get what you want.

Don't demand to speak to a manager. He's too busy for your petty shit and this demand indicates that you believe we, as a staff, are incompetent at doing our jobs and you know more than us and would like to share those feelings with our boss. We'll just lie and say we're the manager, or we'll ignore you, or, if by some off-chance the manager does talk to you, 99.9% of the time he'll back up our decision and you're still shit out of luck. And we'll laugh at you after he's gone.

Drunkenly screaming your problems to anyone on the sidewalk within 10 feet of you isn't exactly your best bet to resolve your issue. And you're that much closer to getting the attention of one of us in a much more negative way if that's how you choose to proceed.

The best advice I can give is to wait a few minutes for one of us to free ourselves up with the crush of the crowd we deal with on a nightly basis. If you can steal away a minute or two of our time and calmly explain what the issue is, given that it's actually one we can help you with, then you're more than likely to get a calm explaination back as to why you will or will not be helped. I'm not always an asshole and I'm not always out to fuck with everyone, so if you scratch my back then I'll scratch yours. Of course, not literally. Don't fucking touch me. But I will see what I can do if you follow those basic guidelines. Bottom line.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

One more thing...

Hey, Joe Cox,

You're a dick.

Go Away

Another piece of advice....

Don't stand at the door with me! A quick hello, how are you doing is plenty. I don't want you up there with me. Talking to me and trying to carry on a conversation only distracts me from doing what I'm being paid to do: Figure out who is okay to come in and who isn't.

So go away.

Saturday, June 16, 2007


Here's a bit of advice, and following it if you find yourself in the following situation will certainly do nothing but help you.

If you find yourself being forcefully removed from a bar by a half dozen bar employees, then don't fight us. This makes things worse for only yourself. More than likely you're in a headlock because you, in your drunken state, did something very stupid. So don't act like we're treating you badly without cause. You started this, remember? Oh, you don't? Well, let me explain. You do stupid shit in a bar and get caught, so this is how it works. The harder you fight us on the way out, the more uncomfortable we'll make it for you. Trust me. Don't get angry when I shove you out the door onto the sidewalk. This is just how things are done.

Why you were treated like that, you're not sure. Consider that it's entirely possible that the dozen drinks you've consumed in the last hour might be clouding your judgement and short term memory. However, I can assure you that I don't haphazardly grab random customers around the neck and manhandle them unless they deserve it. Fighting with us or someone else could be one reason. Refusing to leave is another. I promise I don't want to do this. It makes my night more difficult, and in my old(er) age I'm beginning to bruise more easily and I hate waking up the next morning covered in bruises.

Help us out here. Do what we ask you to do. It's for a reason, believe me. If you find yourself locked up by a bar employee, then let him lead you outside. Your night is over. Big deal.

Don't stand outside and talk shit to us. Fighting on the sidewalk is a sure way to spend the night in the wonderful Athens-Clarke County jail. There's a lot of pissed off cops near the end of the night, and plenty of them are just looking for a reason to hook you up. Just go home.

So accept it. There's always next weekend. As for me, I just want to do my job and go home.

Friday, June 15, 2007


So I just installed this thing called StatCounter to track my traffic that comes here, not expecting much of anything, and I discovered that somebody is coming here. Not sure who it is, but I guess there are a handful of people out there reading. Which is nice.

I haven't had much to write about recently because, well, I've simply been uninspired. Not to say that what I write requires any kind of inspiration, but, no subject has recently struck me as something worthwhile to spend an hour writing about. However, I recognize that not everyone is intimately familiar with the downtown Athens bar scene, so I figured I would list and describe some of the more popular bars around here, maybe with a little commentary of my own about them, starting at one end of Clayton & Broad Street to the other.

Brogans: Used to be Molly O'Shea's, which was an Irish pub that also served food. I liked Molly's, but I've never been to Brogans. From what I hear, they're very similiar.

The Library: Used to be AMF, then Last call, now it's The Library. A halfway decent place, I guess. Newly renovated in the last year. A little bland on the inside and a shitty crowd, from what I understand.

The Villiage Idiot/Rumor: Village Idiot is a small bar that used to be known as Rum Runners years ago. It's actually a fairly popular place now. I like it. Small and laid-back. Above it is The Rumor - a small dance club and DJ booth occupy the renovated apartment. In my opinion it's sort of a Loft knock-off. Bathrooms are really nice, though.

Luckies: I include Luckies, even though they're closed, because Luckies is a great example of a horrible, horrible ownership and management job. It occupied the old Classic City location. They only lasted a few months. Poor lady is out - by my estimates - of at least a quarter of a million trying to make it successful. Did a bad job. The inside looked like an empty garage, and the staff was a collection of white trash do-nothings who tried to throw around their "bouncer" status with me several times. I wasn't impressed.

Firehouse: Been around for a long time. A bar/dance club. Not a big fan of it, myself.

Flannagans: Nothing special here. An "Irish Pub". Used to hang here when I was 21. Like twice. Downstairs is the Half Moon Pub. Again, nothing too terribly special about this place, either.

J.R.'s Baitshack: A small frat bar. Has an upstairs, too. Not a totally horrible place to go.

Allgood: I really like Allgood. Good crowd, 2 large bars upstairs and down, friendly staff. Outdoor patio. A total turnaround from Gator Haters, which is what it was a few years back. Big fan.

Walkers: A bar and a coffee shop. I like this place. Lots of garage doors to open the place up, and it's really laid back. Also somewhat of a frat hangout.

Chapel: One of the newest places around downtown. Decorated really well, very similiar to, well...a chapel. Really awesome painting on the ceiling. If you can't go to church the next morning, hit up Chapel...I'm sure that counts, right?

Barcode: Kind of dark, but just a decent all-around bar. Has been around for awhile.

The Loft: Used to be Annex, which was not exactly the most pleasant of places to be. Now it's a pretty fun dance club where you don't have to always worry about getting a shank in your side by a thug. Although I only dance when I'm really, really, really shitfaced. Which, never.

General Beauregard's: Owned by the same guys who own City Bar (also a cool place) Generals is a fun place to go, with their Dixieland Tea, rocking chairs, yet the crowd has an overabundance of frat boys and sorority girls. A big negative for me.

Cutters: A nice bar, although I've never been there for any other reason than to see people I know. No complaints about this place.

The Arch: A classy, nice place that hosts all sorts of various functions. I like this place and guys who own it.

El Centro/Roadhouse: Typically the really sketchy bars, I used to kick people out of the places I used to work at for drugs, and I'd walk in and find previously mentioned banned individuals there, glaring at me.

Insomnia: A mostly black dance club that I've never been into. A kid was shot & killed out front a few years ago. Used to be an alcohol-free late night club, but now serves alcohol. Always trouble going on at this place from what I hear. I don't know personally.

Bourbon Street: A super-underaged place that's well known for it's "power hour", which is $1 liquor drinks from 10-11. Mostly freshman frat boys and sorority girls.

Buddha Bar: Also known as "Blackout Bar". A shit ton of blacked-out, overly drunk people here. But I really like the staff and it's pretty nice on the inside.

Max Canadas: (near the 40 Watt) is a really awesome place too. A great outdoor patio, but it's fairly far from the "college" part of downtown. I highly recommend.

Repent: Never really been there, but have only heard good things about it. Near Max Canadas.

Detour: The gay club in Athens. 'Nuff said.

Suprisingly, there are more bars in the 5 block radius that encompasses downtown Athens that I didn't list. A lot more. I'm just not knowledgable enough to say anything about 'em. I spend 3-4 nights a week at my bar working, so do you really think that I want to go out on my nights off and find out? Negative.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Athens-Clarke County

This story came to my attention today. Can't believe I didn't catch it earlier.

The legislation that Athens-Clarke County has put in place to affect the downtown bars over the years has traditionally been nothing short of ridiculous. They want to have their cake (tax revenue) and they want to eat it, too. They cut back the closing time until 2am years ago, did away with any after-hours bars even though they weren't serving alcohol to anyone, so now we have to empty the place by 2:45am, they legislated the time of day that a person could smoke in a bar, then eventually did away with smoking anywhere indoors altogether, and now this?

So now I'm going to have to be "certified" in order to work the door? Is there something that the Athens-Clarke County government, in its infinite wisdom, can share with me about my job that they know, and I don't?

Who, in the wonderful ACC government, has stood at a door for 3-4 nights a week for the past X amount of years, dealt with the issues I have, and would like to share with me their extensive knowledge about properly maintaining order among Athens, Georgia's nightlife customers? Hell, have the ACC commissioners ever even bothered to go downtown after 10pm? Ever? So how in the fuck do they know what legislation will be best for downtown?

So now "drink specials" or "happy hours" will be done with, if this legislation is proposed and approved. Absofuckinglutely ridiculous. Gosh, that'll prevent college kids from binge drinking! Automatically make them much more responsible, productive adults during their college years in Athens.

Oh, wait....wait just one second. Gee, something just occured to me, and I'm wondering just couldn't be the case. Athens-Clarke county wouldn't force bar owners to fix their prices at a certain level because the government would be making more money, would they? No way. Their real concern is about college kids, their health, being responsible, and not drinking too much. Right? Not revenue.

HA! Hilarious. Yet not suprising.

UGA raised its entrance requirements years ago, and I tell you what, that's the goddamn best thing that ever happened to downtown, at least when keeping the ACC commissioners goals in mind. Downtown isn't what it was 5 years ago, and I attribute that directly to the quality of students that UGA is attracting these days. Higher quality students = less partying. Plain and simple.

But anyhow, this really isn't an issue that I should really give a flying fuck about. I don't have a vested interest in how busy or dead the place I work at is. Even if the bar is dead, I'm still pulling a decent paycheck, regardless of my tips. Of course, it would eventually close if that were the case for an extended period of time, but by then I would be long gone.

I guess I'm just really fucking sick and tired that the government - not just the local one here - but all government in this country, can't keep their sticky fingers out of my pocket, and wants to tell us what to do all the fucking time. This is yet another example of them wanting to tell us what's best for us, because we're too damn thick to figure it out for ourselves.

Land of the free? HA!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Athens Vent

I ran across this little gem on Athens Vent recently:

So, AthensDoorGuy obviously works at some place like The Library or Bourbon Street or any one of those horrible college bars on the east end of downtown. I understand your frustration but you'd probably be a lot less frustrated if you didn't work in such a lame place.

The idea, though, that your somehow "tuned in" to the Athens scene because of your job is laughable. Working in crappy, lame, college-kid bars is as generic in a college town as working at McDonalds anywhere else. None of those bars has any personality or class or, even, a distinct identity from one another. They're all ridiculous and, like I said, I feel for you and all the crap you put up with but it should have been obvious from the start."

Certainly, there's many things I can say in response to this post. However, first and foremost I'd like to say that I've never claimed to be anyone special. I stand at a door and check IDs. That doesn't qualify me to be anyone but a guy who is not only close to the bottom rung on the ladder in terms of rank in a bar, but a bar in Athens, Georgia no less. That doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about me, and I'm not unaware of this myself.

This blog that I write in only serves as an outlet for my stupid stories and opinions in relation to the Athens bar "scene". That's almost exactly what it says right at the top of this page. I'm old enough, even an old man by Athens standards, where I realized a long time ago that the last thing I need to try and be is "tuned-in" to much of anything around here. College students are the last people I'd like to try and impress, for more reasons than I care to list -- especially the ones who come into the bar that I work in.

My frustration stems from the ridiculous actions of all customers who frequent downtown as a whole, not just the "east side" of downtown. And as soon as you get enough alcohol in anyone - not just college kids - they do stupid shit. Bottom line. That's something I can claim to know as a certainty, if for no other reason than the fact I've worked down here way too long and seen it too many times. From all ages. I know. And most likely a whole hell of a lot better than you do.

But drunk college frat boys and girls have reserved a special place in my heart as regularly being loud, annoying, and unable to hold their liquor. They may as well spend 6 hours a night standing next to me scratching their fingernails on a chalkboard for all I care. Same shit. That or puking on my legs or trying to fight me. I cringe at the things that they do on a nightly basis, especially when it's aimed in my general direction. But if you'll read back a few posts, I also enjoy my job enough where it's not something that I'm bailing out on anytime soon. Or maybe I am. Why? Who knows. There's a reason for that. It's called money. And the fact that the job hasn't worn me down to that point - yet.

However, to naively assume that annoying "college" customers are only limited to places like Bourbon Street and The Library, or any of the other bars around that area which specifically caters to underaged patrons, is shortsighted and misinformed on your part. They're everywhere around here. Shit, I you think Athens is the only college town in this country even? Colleges are everywhere, and where you'll find colleges, you'll find underaged retards drinking themselves into oblivion. And right down the street from those vomit stained 19 year olds, you're sure to find a bar or two. They're everywhere.

But I'm sure you know that.

Every bar downtown caters to underaged kids, on one level or another. Downtown wouldn't exist otherwise. Hell, Athens wouldn't exist, at least not to the extent it is now, if there weren't college kids living here to spend mommy and daddys money at any business for that matter.

But you don't know where I work. Which is good. Because you wouldn't be impressed. You'd probably laugh. I wouldn't blame you. But I'm not out to impress anyone anyway.

The last thing I'd like to do is stick up for any bar downtown, at least as far as classy or originality is concerned. You're probably right on the money with our customers. You'll not offend the likes of me for insulting anything about anywhere downtown, including my place of employment. Just keep in mind that you don't know me, or where I work & you just might be wrong.

So fire away with the comments. I'll keep bitching about the customers. And perhaps I'll take your advice and start flippin' burgers somewhere soon.

But as of now, I'd rather choke drunk retards blue, myself. Much more satisfaction in it.


"Yo, we be with John, the assistant manager," said the retard, motioning to his two friends as they walked up to the door recently.

"John? John quit six months ago and moved, dude. Where've you been?"

"Nah, man. I just called him. See!" he said, and showed me his phone.

I whipped out my phone, scrolled down quickly, and realized the problem.

"You mean Jim, not John. And Jim isn't the assistant manager."

"Well he ain't pickin' up and we're with him!" the retard went on.

So I tried to do the right thing. Went out of my way for someone. I called Jim outside. He didn't respond so I assumed he was busy. Nevertheless, Jim walked out a second later, briefly spoke with the guy, and walked back inside.

"I'm not vouching for those guys," Jim told me as he walked back in.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, retard inched back over to me with his two friends and asked if he could come in.

"Sure, just let me see your IDs real quick."

"She ain't got one," retard responded, motioning to the extremely underaged looking girl.

Not suprised.

"Gotta have an ID, dude."

"Oh, okay."

Like this is a new policy or something.

Him and his friend went inside, leaving the girl out on the sidewalk by herself. 15 minutes later, she approached the door with retard after he had come out a minute earlier.

"Hey, she's got one now, man," retard said.

I looked at it.

Shocker. A fake. A horrible, horrible fake ID. I laughed. I actually laughed out loud.

"Listen, when I said she needed an ID, I meant a REAL ID, that has her picture on it, saying that she's 21. I didn't mean go find the worst piece of shit ID you can get and use that. She can't come in. She's not 21 and there's no way I can look the other way."

"Aw, man...really?" retard whined.

"Yea, really."

He sighed and shook his head.

"Ok man, I understand. Thanks anyway," said retard as he extended his hand for me to shake.

They always want to shake your hand.

I thought that was the end of it.

Oh, no.

Too often I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume that getting rejected twice in one night would be enough.

An hour later they were back. Once again, as if I don't possess a long term memory.

She handed me her ID. I looked at it, if only for show. I knew who she was. It wasn't happening. And I wasn't amused.

"Are you kidding? GO AWAY!

"Awwwwwwww, man!"

Seriously, if I had a taser...

Friday, June 08, 2007

Talking to myself

A funny thing happens when I throw someone out, or we're engaged in some kind of altercation. I think it's funny.

When the shit hits the fan, I'll jump in immediately. Sometimes to a fault, however, overall I consider this a good thing because I don't freeze up. I act before I can think. I've worked with guys who freeze up when something happens. It pisses me off, and frankly, it's dangerous.

I'll be watching a situation, much like the guy shoving the girl recently, and something will happen and before I know it, I've got someone locked up.

Not to say I'm a huge tough guy, because while I have no real issue about dealing with 99% of our clientele, it would be naive of me to think I can bring down anyone who walks through our front door.

There's always someone tougher than you out there. And you better hope you don't run across him, because you just may find yourself at the receiving end of a boot to the head.

But I digress.

Two things happen when the proverbial shit hits the fan.

One, my mind goes blank. Or rather, my emotions just aren't there. I've never recalled feeling scared, or concerned, or angry or anything like that while in the midst of a fight. I tussle with a guy, and I will continue the process until they're out the door on the sidewalk. Preferably prone out on their back or in the gutter.

Not to say I've never been scared working downtown. That would just be a lie. I guess a more accurate word would be anxious. Anxiety is a fairly common feeling for me.

Two, things slow down. My thought process is almost comical, to a point, given the circumstances in which they enter my head.

Hey look self, this guy is throwing a punch at me. I think I'll get out of the way.

Hey self, this guy is trying to wrap me up. I think I'll get behind him and put him on his head.

Or...self, this has gone on too long and my muscles are starting to fatigue. This isn't good.

While on paper, it doesn't really come out like the way I hear it in my head, but if you've ever seen a bar fight, you know they can be quick and violent. If you're not paying attention to anything more than 3 feet in front of your face, like most people who are out and drinking, then it'll be over before you'll even know it started.

So for me to somehow have time to be having this internal monologue just comes across as really entertaining, if for no one else, then at least for myself.

Overheard at the door

"I'm not drunk, I'm just completely fucked up!"


And the next time someone tells me to go fuck myself, I think I'll just point them in the direction of this article.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Don't Touch a Girl

Last night I saw a guy shove a girl. Forcefully. Hard enough to slam her against the bar and spill her drink all over herself.

I know this guy. He works downtown. Has for a while. Has been a regular in other bars I've worked in. This means he has a considerable amount of wiggle room for his acceptable behavior in a bar. To a point.

I like this guy. He's generally an easy going, fun guy to hang out with. I would never consider him a real threat to a girl, or anyone for that matter. We've thrown people out together before.

In the bar business, we deal with a lot of situations. And a couple arguing is one that we see a lot. So we talk about what we would do if we ever saw a guy hit a girl. Most of us agree we would beat the shit out of the guy. Sadly (or fortunately) I've never witnessed a guy beating a girl while in the bar. But we never discussed what we would do if we saw a guy we knew doing something inappropriate to a girl.

So last night I was presented with the situation we always talk about, but with a variable that I had never considered.

Last night this normally easy going guy was drunk. He was angry. And he put his hands on a girl. And the only reason I didn't choke him until he passed out and stomp on his head out back was because I knew him. So I snatched him up, forcefully reminded him where the front door was and shoved him onto the sidewalk.

He got off really, really my opinion.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Things not to do when ordering a drink:

-Wave your money or credit card around. Calm down, we can see you.

-Yell or snap your fingers. Once again...calm down; we can see you. If you do this too much you just may automatically send yourself to the back of the line.

-Have your shit ready. I.E. money, credit card, and your full order. Don't yell at me for 10 minutes while I'm busting my ass and then when I make it over to you, turn around and ask your friends what they want. When you turn back around I'll be gone.

-Don't make eye contact with the bartender if you don't plan on ordering a drink. I personally hate when people do this, because I'll end up going over to them a half dozen times to ask them what they need when they really don't need anything. This rule doesn't apply to hot girls.

-Don't place an order, then when I return with it order another one, and then when I return with that one, once again order something else. Order all your shit at once. I believe this is known as the ever-exapanding-drink-order.

-Don't tell me to "make it good". By saying that, you're automatically assuming that I normally make things bad. This is insulting.

-Don't tell me to "make it strong". More than likely you'll get a weak drink with a bit of 151 down your straw. Your reaction after your first sip makes me laugh.

-Don't ask for less or no ice. You still get the same amount of liquor, just more mixer. I know this is confusing for you to understand, but liquor costs money. The bar stays in business by selling liquor. For you to get more liquor requires more money from you, dear customer. Quit being cheap, ask for a double, and pay up.

-The fruit tray is not a buffet. Keep your dirty fingers out of it.

-Don't ask what the cheapest thing in the bar is. I'm going to say that it's you.

-Don't tell me that you'll "hook me up with a fat tip at the end of the night" to justify not tipping me after each order you make. This makes me want to stick my boot up your ass.

-Don't ask for something for free. I don't care if it's your birthday or not. Not only is this illegal, but if I don't know you then why the hell should I buy you anything? Somebody has to pay for it. On that note, there's this long-standing myth around here that on your birthday you get a free shot from each bar. UNTRUE.

-Yes, there is a $10 minimum on credit card tabs. I don't know of any bar around here who doesn't have that policy. Don't look at me like a two-headed alien when I inform you of this.

-Personally, I hate it when one customer continues to order drinks all night long and closes their credit card out each time they place an order. Not only does this cost the bar money per transaction, but it's time consuming and annoying. Open your tab and keep it open until you're ready to leave! Yes...quite a unique and novel idea, I know.

-Complicated orders when we're slammed piss me off. I'll begrudgingly make all your shit, but you'd better be damn sure next time I see that you're ready to order something I'll be a lot slower to make it over to you.

I'm sure I'll think of more after this is posted, but this is a good start.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Crazy Weekend

Too many fights. I've got bruises on my arm from this guy who had a killer grip. He lost, though. Ripped my damn shirt halfway off though, which made me very angry afterwards. He was a shirt-grabber, although I admit I'm guilty of that myself a whole lot. I guess what goes around comes around.

The most fun I've had at work in a long time, which was good.

A lot of people with bad attitudes, though. A good attitude and simple common courtesy will get someone a long way anywhere, even in bars. Take note.

Friday, June 01, 2007


So I'm about to head to work. The beginning of another weekend. Another night dealing with the drunken kids who are affectionately known as our customers. In a few, I'll hit the shower, put on my nifty little uniform, put my shoes on and lace 'em up tight (just in case - losing a shoe in a fight isn't fun), grab a bite to eat on the way, probably from Wendy's because it's unhealthy and delicious, drive downtown, get pissed about not being able to find a parking spot, finally find one and make it to the bar, go through the motions to get everything up and running, and proceed to stand in one place for the next 6 hours.

Hooray beer.


I've never given it much thought until last night, but what does it mean when someone threatens to "buy you"?


"Sorry dude, you can't come in/You have to leave/You're a fucking retard, etc. etc. etc.

"What?!? Fuck you! I'll buy you and this bar! Blah, blah blah...." Goes on a 10 minute rant about his infinite wealth and the people that he knows.

"Right on, dude. You're a rockstar."

What are these people really saying? That they have so much money that they're going to offer me some? Is this a legitimate job opportunity that I've passed up so many times? Perhaps people like this are actually looking for a decent landscaper. I definitely need the money, so maybe I'll find a way to exploit cocksuckers like this in the future.