Tuesday, June 12, 2007


"Yo, we be with John, the assistant manager," said the retard, motioning to his two friends as they walked up to the door recently.

"John? John quit six months ago and moved, dude. Where've you been?"

"Nah, man. I just called him. See!" he said, and showed me his phone.

I whipped out my phone, scrolled down quickly, and realized the problem.

"You mean Jim, not John. And Jim isn't the assistant manager."

"Well he ain't pickin' up and we're with him!" the retard went on.

So I tried to do the right thing. Went out of my way for someone. I called Jim outside. He didn't respond so I assumed he was busy. Nevertheless, Jim walked out a second later, briefly spoke with the guy, and walked back inside.

"I'm not vouching for those guys," Jim told me as he walked back in.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, retard inched back over to me with his two friends and asked if he could come in.

"Sure, just let me see your IDs real quick."

"She ain't got one," retard responded, motioning to the extremely underaged looking girl.

Not suprised.

"Gotta have an ID, dude."

"Oh, okay."

Like this is a new policy or something.

Him and his friend went inside, leaving the girl out on the sidewalk by herself. 15 minutes later, she approached the door with retard after he had come out a minute earlier.

"Hey, she's got one now, man," retard said.

I looked at it.

Shocker. A fake. A horrible, horrible fake ID. I laughed. I actually laughed out loud.

"Listen, when I said she needed an ID, I meant a REAL ID, that has her picture on it, saying that she's 21. I didn't mean go find the worst piece of shit ID you can get and use that. She can't come in. She's not 21 and there's no way I can look the other way."

"Aw, man...really?" retard whined.

"Yea, really."

He sighed and shook his head.

"Ok man, I understand. Thanks anyway," said retard as he extended his hand for me to shake.

They always want to shake your hand.

I thought that was the end of it.

Oh, no.

Too often I give people the benefit of the doubt. I assume that getting rejected twice in one night would be enough.

An hour later they were back. Once again, as if I don't possess a long term memory.

She handed me her ID. I looked at it, if only for show. I knew who she was. It wasn't happening. And I wasn't amused.

"Are you kidding? GO AWAY!

"Awwwwwwww, man!"

Seriously, if I had a taser...


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