Friday, May 11, 2007

Simple Rules

With so many nights of standing at the door, checking ID's and interacting with inebriated college kids for whom common sense went out the window 5 drinks ago, and especially with graduation on this Saturday meaning every college grad AND his parents will be out drunk this weekend, I present to you a basic outline of acceptable and not acceptable behavior for going out drinking in downtown Athens, Georgia.

1. Have your ID ready when you get to the door. You just waited in that line for 10 minutes. You've got plenty of time to dig it out of your $500 Prada purse. And unless you're using a walker to help assist you into the bar because of the arthritis that you're now suffering from as a 90 year old, I want to see your ID. And no, you're not old enough to be my mother or father, asshat, so shut your trap.

2. Don't stand in the doorway of the front door. All you do is block the flow of traffic in and out of the bar and irritate me, the door guy.

3. You can't smoke in the bar. You can't drink outside of the bar. You can't stand in the doorway. I know determining your course of action after being informed of those rules while you're drunk is like a 10 year old trying to figure out advanced calculus, so think ahead.

4. Flashing a badge at me at the door doesn't mean shit.

5. Don't climb on the bar top, the furniture, or strip your clothes off while you're trying to dance all over that hot sorority girl. Nobody wants to see that shit. Unless you're a hot chick.

6. Regardless of what you might think, I don't want you to hang out with me at the door while I'm trying to do my job. Go away. Seriously.

7. Tip. Tip alot. Tip a fucking ton.

8. When it's slammed, don't order a slightly dirty Grey Goose martini, a Mojito, a Chocolate Martini, and 3 shots of chilled patron with salt and lime and try to close out with a credit card. Keep it quick and simple.

9. When the lights come on, you leave the bar. Simple as that.

10. We close our doors at 2am. I know your friends are in there, but you have to wait. I've been stuck out here since 9pm, so you can wait 15 minutes.

11. Don't complain to me about the music. Does it look like I have the playlist or turntables up here at the door with me?

12. Don't be "that" annoying idiot in the bar.

13. When handing me your ID, don't quote me your date of birth, point out where your D.O.B. is located on your ID, or snatch it back away from me when I try to hand it back. If I take an extra second or two, don't cop an attitude. You try standing at a door and checking a persons D.O.B., expiration date, height, picture and other extra secret things an ID has on it to confirm it's real. Then try doing it about 500 times. Not too fun, huh? Now you have an idea of what I do and how people can be annoying like that.

14. Don't get into a fight inside the bar because I have to break that shit up. Go outside on the sidewalk and beat each other senseless so I can have something to watch and laugh at.

15. Get a taxi home. A DUI isn't worth it.

Follow these basic and simple rules and you should have a wonderful time drinking yourself retarded in the great town of Athens, Georgia.


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