Bad Ideas

Getting punched isn't fun. Nobody likes to take a fist to the face. But it does happen from time to time and it's better to get it over with early in ones "downtown bar career" than it is later on.

Specifically, if you happen to go downtown and you have an issue at a bar and feel that your options are so incredibly limited that the only thing you can think to do to express your dissatisfaction with your situation is throw a punch at a bar employee, then there are certain consequences that may come your way that you should take into consideration beforehand.

First off, it all depends what bar you're at. Every bar has different rules, but overall, most places prohibit their employees from throwing a punch at a customer. Don't breath a sigh of relief just yet, because I work at a bar that doesn't allow it either, but if you hit me I'm going to hit you back. Probably more than once. Probably until you're lying on the ground in the fetal position.

And I wouldn't be the only one hitting you, either. I have a big group of friends that I work with who will hit you too. And we'll keep hitting you until we've gotten our fill or you're unconscious. When I get tired of hitting you I'm going to use my feet to kick you.

If you hit me, I'll be pissed and things won't turn out well for you if you decide to stick around and square off with me, but if you hit one of my co workers it will be even worse. I don't like getting hit, but I especially don't like seeing one of my friends getting hit.

It doesn't have to be like this. I don't like getting into fights. So if you come downtown and make a little issue into a big one and you decide to throw a punch at me or my friends, then please be aware of what will happen next. It's a bar. It's not a life and death situation. Relax. Don't take things so personally.

I don't like talking to you. I don't like confronting you about your behavior. I don't like the conversation we're having. I'm not relishing the so-called "power trip" that I'm apparently on. I just want you to follow the rules that the management has specifically laid out for me to make sure you follow. Trust me.

Consider these things the next time you're in a bar and you get so upset with the bar staff that you decide to ball up your hand and hurl it in our general direction.

And I hope you're fucking sore this morning, too.