General Rules

A disappointing weekend as far as funny stories go, but a success as far as keeping my sanity.

A big thing I noticed the most was the customers lack of ability to adhere to common bar and club courtesy. I attribute that directly to the fact that Athens is now being overrun with brand new college kids yet again, especially the young ones. I've written about many of these before, but I feel they're important enough to repeat again. People don't pay attention. Learn the fucking unwritten rules of going downtown before you go downtown....PLEASE!

The line. Get in line. Stay in line. Pay attention, for Christs sake. Hand me your ID immediately when it's your turn. Have the damn thing out and ready. Go inside immediately when I give it back. I'm not going to go chasing you inside the bar to check your ID if you manage to slip by me, I'm just going to throw you out. Nor will I follow you inside to return your ID to you. I check IDs. That's what I do. Arms reach is as far as I go and if you're beyond that when I'm done checking, the damn thing's going in my pocket.

Relax. Keep your sighing to yourself when I look at your ID for more than a millisecond. I know where your DOB is, so don't point it out. Don't repeat your birthday to me verbally, it's written on your ID. I can see it. Don't tell me "It's real, I swear" because I'll know if it's real or not. Don't say "Hey it's a fake, hardy har har". You're all original and creative. I know this. And scoff at your pathetic attempts to be so. Just stand there, shut the fuck up, and wait for me to hand your ID back.

Quiet, please. The screaming. The yelling. The "bulldog" barking. Jesus. It never stops. I know you haven't seen Angela the sorostitute, your best friend and roommate from freshman year, in almost a week, but could you bring the decibel level down slightly? Especially when it's 6 inches from my ear and at a frequency so high I swear it could bust out car windows a block over. So it certainly must be damaging my hearing. Thanks for that.

The doorway. Don't stand in it. Don't even hesitate in it. You doing this creates a monumental clusterfuck for me outside. And it's a domino effect. Drinks stay inside and smoking stays outside. Prepare yourself for that, for the love of God. Think common sense.

Go away. I don't mind a short greeting or farewell, but I don't want you hanging out with me for more than about 2 seconds. We're not buddies. I don't want to shoot the shit about my job. No, suprisingly I don't get a shit ton of play because I'm a door guy. I usually only piss the girls off. No, I don't want to talk about the cool fights. No I don't use steroids. But thanks. Oh, you work downtown too? Then you should know even more so that I want you to go away. Unless you're a girl offering me some sexual favors after I finish my shift or a guy offering to buy me a beer or a shot, then please....go the fuck away.

Rejection. Look, it happens. Take it like a man. Or woman. Pissing and moaning, threatening me and flicking me off don't help your cause. Go somewhere else. The longer you stick around, the more annoyed I'll get and the more likely I am to remember you next time you and your scumbag friends try to come in. And then I'll reject you again. So suck it up, dude.

Cops are everywhere. And they want to arrest you or cite you for something. Anything. So chugging that beer outside of the bar is a no-no. Fighting on the sidewalk is bad. Driving the wrong way down a one way street when you're DUI is a quick way to get arrested. Turn your damn headlights on. Carting around a dozen guys in the back of your pickup is a quick way to get pulled over. Jumping out of the cab with a beer in each hand is a bad idea. Have some common sense, people.

Don't forget your shit. Close your tabs before you leave. Don't leave your purse unattended sitting out where someone can pocket all your cash. Don't leave your phone sitting on the bar top and expect it to be there 30 minutes later. Once the doors close, even God himself isn't getting in, so save the sob stories. Next time you'll know. And yes, I know the owner too and no, he won't be firing me for calling you a douchebag.

Tip. For the love of God, tip your bartenders. I've been known to throw non-tippers out when rubbed the wrong way, so toss some cash in that tip jar. If for no other reason, than to make certain your spot in the bar is secure. You don't know me or where I work, and for all you know I'm standing right behind you watching as you play the whole "pretending to put cash in the jar while the bartender is looking, but not dropping it in when they turn away". You've been warned.

And take a cab home. Please.