Friday, October 03, 2008

An Old One

I wrote this one a long time ago and just recently found it and thought I'd share.

I can't remember where I heard it, but someone once said that bar fights start for only two reasons: Drugs & Women. This is only partially true, I believe.

My opinion is that bar fights start for one of three reasons: Women, Money, & Attitude. I'll explain what I mean.

Girls. Guys fighting over girls isn't a new issue. We have fights like that all the time. Some random guy grabs a dudes girlfriend, and a fight quickly follows. A guy hits on a dudes girlfriend, and a fight quickly follows. A guy tries to dance with a dudes girlfriend, and a fight quickly follows. A guy starts hitting on a girl another guy has been hitting on, and a fight quickly follows. And so on and so on. Quite foolish, actually, but when you're 8 bourbon and cokes in, then taking a wild right haymaker at the frat boy with the collared shirt & popped collar sounds like a great idea to them, I imagine.

Money. There's always money owed to somebody. Most of the time the money owed is rooted in drugs. Plain and simple. I've seen my share of bar fights where I eventually discovered somebody owed money to someone else, so I guess a fight seemed, to them, like a great way to begin the collection process. Like I said, most of the time this has to do with drugs, so if you're in a place where drugs are common, then this type of fight probably is fairly common as well. What I mean is, the less quality customers you have, the more this reason to fight will come up.

Luckily, I work at a place where a lot of the patrons have a reason NOT to fight, because they're rich little college kids with a future in daddys fortune 500 company, but the cokeheads are always there, too. Always.

Attitude. Biggest reason of all. I'll take a shot in the dark guess, and say that 75% of the fights around here are for this reason alone. A lot of our customers are college kids, fresh out of high school, and they're just now becoming "independent". They live by themselves (or in the dorm, which is close enough), out of parental supervision, they go to class when they want to, they shop for themselves, they bang the local sorority girls, and, oh yea, they go downtown and get shitfaced on the weekends.

They do what they want to do, and there's not a damn person who can tell them otherwise, especially not some schmuck in a bar. They're not kids anymore and they want everyone to know how independent and tough they are. So walking through a crowded bar, they'll take it personally when someone accidentally shoulders them. Or tries to squeeze in at the bar to place an order. Or spills a drink on them. Or is "eyeing them" or "sizing them up", which I understand is hugely insulting. Apology or not, they've been drinking whiskey & bud light all night. Maybe a few dozen rounds "soco & lime" shots & jagerbombs. "Yea, brah!" they scream. They're tough. They're indepedent. They pound on their chests after they take their shots. They give each other high fives and brazenly check out the girls around them. They're in college and theyr'e drinking! So the logical thing to do for them is to square off with the guy who fucked with the wrong group of frat boys, puff their chest up as big as they can, and brawl, or otherwise roll around on the ground.

So throw your pink polo in the wash when you get home if you got it dirty & make sure you still have your sunglasses and croakies on around your neck after you finish showing everyone how big you are.

Don't forget your visor too, brah.


At 1:29 AM, Anonymous tits mcgee (ha ha!) said...

Again . . . more mistakes. "indepedent" and "theyr'e". Maybe you should write your hilarious stories at a different time, like 5am. . . Just a thought though. It seems to be the time of day you do your best work.


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