Yes, Even You

When you come walking up the line into my bar, then take heart in the fact that I don't know you. Most people take offense to the idea that I, the doorguy, have no idea who you are. I tell them to step to the back of the line or to produce their ID and they rant and rage and ask me, disbelieving...

Do you know who I am??

No, sir, I don't. Do you know who I am? No? Ok, well then step to the back of the line. Unless you're greasing the wheels, you get to wait in line like everyone else. Oh, you know the bartender? Me too! Too bad she's not working the door. Maybe she'll buy you a drink once you get inside, but as for now, the back of the line is that way.

Many people are perplexed, or downright offended, that I possibly could have no idea who they are. Sadly, my mental rolodex is quite short, and unless you're a rockstar or celebrity of some kind then I probably don't know you nor do I care to know you.

On that note, you can use this to your advantage. Look at the bright side. I don't know you. I don't know how creepy or cheap you really are. I don't know the sketchy things you're going to do once you get inside. And if you can keep a cool head for just a few minutes while you stand in line waiting to get inside, then I won't know how shitty of an attitude you really have.

If you don't draw attention to yourself by louding proclaiming your disbelief at my not knowing the likes of you, the celebrity college student to which every door guy worth anything should apparently know and should immediately whisk inside without hesitation or question, then maybe I won't know what a shitty, drunken, waste of space you really are when you whine like a little schoolgirl for being made to do what everyone else on the face of the planet has to do when coming into my bar:

To wait in the fucking line.

And the thing is, I probably don't want to know you. Certain people feel compelled, for some unknown reason, to share their lives with you. As a doorguy, or "bouncer", you're in somewhat of a position of authority and certain guys like to talk to you about your job, or, talk to you about theirs.

A lot of law enforcement, usually the ones who I initially find sort of creepy and weird, start up conversations unsolicited and will whip out their badges and share with you all about their jobs. Then it will come to, hey if shit goes down, then I've got your back!

And I want to tell them that I find it all very uncomfortable. If you're a cop that I know and I can definitely verify, then I'm more than happy to speak with you. I probably want to talk to you and hang out. But some random guy who shows me a badge and talks about how he'll help you in a fight and then hints that he's carrying always freaks me out a little bit.

Random guys who come up to me and claim "bouncer status" at some other place is fine. But when they start thinking their bouncer status at another bar translates into having any kind of authority at my bar begins to creep me out. I'd love to have a 5 minute conversation with you, but after that, you become just another drunken customer to me, so please go back to the bar and do a few more shots.

The same goes for anything, really. But I'm getting off subject here. I don't know you and you don't know me. And that's the way things should probably stay.