Saturday, September 15, 2007

Guidos in the Southeast

It seems, as of recently, that some of our customers have lost their way. These particular customers seem to look as though they would be more at home in the Northeastern United States, yet somehow, they've managed to find their way to Athens.

Down here in the south, sightings of what are known as "guidos" are rare. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I've spotted a genuine guido walking around downtown Athens. They stick out like a sore thumb so they're really hard to miss, but when you see them it sure is a treat. We point and laugh and all have a jolly good time watching the unusually tan abnormality strutting around in "good 'ol boy" territory. Apparently, though, this weekend has been somewhat of an anomaly because on Thursday night and Friday night we had a real life guido in the bar, and on both nights they each were kicked out.

The first one on Thursday night we spotted walking down the sidewalk from some distance away, his strut and attitude very obvious from the start. He was with one other guy, who was much larger than he, but apparently fairly normal. I engaged him in some quick conversation while checking his ID - he had just turned 21 - and he even had the New York (Brooklyn, maybe?) accent to boot.

For kicks, we allowed him inside. Some time later, I walked inside for a reason that I can't remember right now and found much of our staff gathered together, staring at our new guido friend who was using his time to strut around, give hard looks to the other guys in the bar, and occasionally break out in sporatic dance moves wherever he happened to be standing. The bar, on the way to the bathroom, standing with his friend, approaching a girl...anywhere. There was no telling when he would break out into a two-step, performing dance moves I had honestly never seen before. We were legitimately confused and entertained all at once.

Apparently our floor staff tired of him quickly and he was thrown out shortly thereafter. He glared at me for some time from the sidewalk before approaching.

"Yo chief, you think ah could go back inside right quick and get mah friend?"

"Now that wouldn't really make much sense seeing as you were just escorted out, now would it?" I responsed.

He quietly backed away, and moments later, when his friend emerged, his attitude did as well. His screaming at his friend for the injustices of getting kicked out combined with his screaming towards us at the door were more than enough to make us crack up. They both walked away.

Last night I happened to be wandering around inside the bar to notice two guys holding up their middle fingers at the back of the employee queing up songs on the computer. I watched with a fair amount of curiousity, not sure if they were serious or not, until I finally decided that they were two very unhappy customers. I went up to them and tapped the most aggressive one on the shoulder.

When he turned to face me I immediately realized that he was yet another guido. Spikey hair, diamond earrings, a super-tight white t-shirt with some weird tribal design down the side of it to show off his enormous biceps, and of course, the New York accept.

"Hey, is there a problem that you have with my coworker over there?" I asked, motioning to the guy at the computer.

"Yo kid, you need to step the fuck out mah face and keep on walkin'." he said, then turned his back to me and said something to his friend. They both laughed and ignored me, sipping their drinks.

I tapped his shoulder again and he turned to face me, this time squaring off. His friend did, too.

"You see man....I sort of have an issue with that. What's the problem?" I said.

"Listen kid, you need to get outta here before I go on and fuck you up," he spat at me.

"Alright dude. That sounds really fun and all, but you need to go ahead and leave."

"I ain't goin' nowhere, son."

"See, this is the thing. I work here, and I have a bunch of friends who work here with me and we're gonna go ahead and say you have to leave now," I said back to him.

I was having fun with this until the shoving started and the guido threw his drink all over me.

Then I got a little upset. This particular guido was acting really tough and when it came time to see how tough he really was, all he could do was shove us and throw drinks. Him and his friends were quickly swept out the door by us, and the orginial guy, I'm sure, was confused when he woke up the street with the police standing over him.

So now I can honestly say that I've choked out a guido and it was actually pretty fun. All attitude and no balls. Go back home, guidos.


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